Look at me and tell me who I am

I like somebody.

And it is completely terrifying.

Sometimes I am just completely blown away by life and its unexpectedness. I have no idea where to go from here and I kinda like it.

Fuck it. That's all I have to say anymore. Fuck men who think they can walk in your life and completely destroy it. Fuck feelings and love and shit that doesn't last. Fuck ever having to have met you. Fuck you. Fuck you for making me so weak. This isn't even your fault. Not one bit of it. I can't even hate you. And just for that...fuck you. I use my xanga to express what I would like to feel. To express how I wish I could be. I let myself think I can put all of my trust in God. I can't. I wish I could. Thank God no one reads this.

I spend all of my time thinking about not thinking about him.

I just don't know how much more pain I can take.

Something has really been on my mind tonight and I just can't get it off. After Katrina we had to temporarily get rid of our dogs due to no housing. One of the dogs, Sienna, went to stay with a friend in Jackson while my dog, Buster, is staying with a family here in Slidell. From the day I got Buster he has been my heart and joy. My mom got him for me during a really difficult time in my life and I was amazed at how much that puppy brought happiness into my life. I've never had this kind of a bond with a dog. When I was sad I promise you he knew it and would come lay on my lap. (Not always a comfortable situation considering he is half st bernard half australian shephard). Buster thrived on attention and love from us and we gave him every ounce of it just as he gave it to us.

The reason I am so upset is because it has been months since I've been to visit him. How could I so easily discard a part of my life that I grew so close to? I'm sitting here crying worried that the next time I see him he won't recognize me. This is so silly over a dog, I know. But I can't help it. I feel like a horrible owner to "abondon" my dog the way I have. I don't even know how it happened but I hate it. I hate it immensely. I know dogs don't have the same feelings and emotions as we humans do, but I DO know that dogs recognize and react to an absence of family members. I feel so horribly guilty. We'll be getting him and Sienna back the end of August when we move into our new house. I just hope he's the same dog that he was when he/we left. I just worry that he's already adapted to this new family too much to go back to the "old Buster". Blah. I'm rambling on and on and none of this really makes sense to anybody but me.

I'm gonna stop this crying. Thanks LJ for letting me be ridiculously emo. I'm going to see my puppy tommorrow. It's been way over due.

For the first time ever I desperately wish it wasn't summer.

I am such the giddy junior high girl.

As Liz would say..."Le sigh"

Well Holy Moses it's time for an update

As of tommorrow I will be leaving to go home for spring break.

Not much of a break when you have a HUGE ASS PROJECT AND RECITAL MATERIAL TO LEARN.

Ahem.

I love storms but not when there are 'naders involved.

This week I have been cramming in my teachings at Clinton Junior High. If I can just make it to Friday I'll be good to go. Krewe of Selene parade is Friday night. That'll be fun.

So I think I have decided that I would really enjoy teaching a junior high choir. I realize that they don't listen and that they are self absorbed and such. But I believe they are highly impressionable at this age and need to be reached out to the most. I tend to think of my sister and where she is at now (almost 6th grade) and I relate my students to her. Or vice versa. But yeah. That's what I want to do with my life. That is, if I don't marry rich and can't stay at home to cook and cleant and make babies.

Showers are fun. I should probably take one soon.

Oh life, why must thou torcher me so?

Dr. Bennet is rambling and I don't particularly care to listen. I am still in that half sleep mode where everything is kinda dreamy. Neato.

Is torcher spelled right? I swear it looks wrong but don't know what else it could be. This is killing me. I know it's wrong. I could open microsoft but these computer labs are too slow. Once I wake up it will come to me.

Sundays are horribly depressing to me. All I've done today is sit around on the computer, eat, sleep, eat, and sleep some more. My life needs to have some more purpose to it. More ummph. I need to stop doing what feels good and start doing what is right.

I like livejournal because I can whine and be emo and no one will read it. Sweet.

Well people. This is my very first livejournal entry. Let's see how it rolls.